Have you ever had an occasion to use a “turd knife” or know someone who did?
You can check the answer of the people under the question at Quora “turd knife“
About Nevaeh
Written by: Nevaeh
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Have you ever had an occasion to use a “turd knife” or know someone who did?
You can check the answer of the people under the question at Quora “turd knife“
About Nevaeh
Having seen the story that Annika shares below, and having had to plunge a fair number of toilets in my family, I thought, “You know, I have a long, thin metal bar doing nothing that might just do this,” and, voila! Instead of plunging, the excrement went right on through.
Everyone else in the family thinks it’s gross (and it is) but I tell them that if they drop a brick in the toilet, if they’ll just take a moment to cut it in half with this nifty tool, they won’t need to spend the next 10–15 minutes plunging their poop. I’ve even suggested that, if they don’t want to, they can come get me and I’ll do it, since, again, 10 seconds < 10 minutes or so.
So, yes. I have, on several occasions. I highly recommend it for those who find themselves plunging longer than sitting.
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I must admit that I know of at least two people who have used a literal “turd knife” or “shit knife”—that is, a knife actually made from their own feces. First, Wade Davis talked to an Inuit family who had been resettled during the 1950’s; their grandfather didn’t want to go, so:
One of the cultures you celebrate in Light at the Edge of the World is the Inuit. What do you most admire about them?
The Inuit didn’t fear the cold ; they took advantage of it. During the 1950s the Canadian government forced the Inuit into settlements. A family from Arctic Bay told me this fantastic story of their grandfather who refused to go. The family, fearful for his life, took away all of his tools and all of his implements, thinking that would force him into the settlement. But instead, he just slipped out of an igloo on a cold Arctic night, pulled down his caribou and sealskin trousers, and defecated into his hand. As the feces began to freeze, he shaped it into the form of an implement. And when the blade started to take shape, he put a spray of saliva along the leading edge to sharpen it. That’s when what they call the “shit knife” took form. He used it to butcher a dog. Skinned the dog with it. Improvised a sled with the dog’s rib cage, and then, using the skin, he harnessed up an adjacent living dog. He put the shit knife in his belt and disappeared into the night.
Second, or perhaps first, depending on whether you’re speaking narratively or chronologically, is one of my spirit guardians, explorer and stupendous badass, Peter Freuchen :
Lorenc Peter Elfred Freuchen was a 6’7” tall walrus-spearing, peg-legged, anti-Semite-clobbering Danish explorer and badass old-school 1900s explorer who wore a fucking awesome coat made of polar bear fur, rocked a seriously epic beard, rode a dogsled 1,000 kilometers across the Greenland ice cap in the 1910s, killed a wolf with his bare hands, escaped a Nazi death warrant at the height of the Third Reich, amputated his own fucking gangrenous toes with a pair of pliers (and no anesthesia), and starred in a goddamned Oscar-winning movie – which was based on a book that he wrote. And this guy was so over-the-top awesome that he played the fucking villain in a movie that was loosely based around his own autobiography. He was also the fifth person to win the jackpot in the TV game show The $64,000 Question, published thirty books, founded two Adventurer’s Clubs, and his biography is called The Vagrant Viking .
Need more proof? Check this shit. One time he was caught in a blizzard and ended up being buried alive in an inescapable cocoon of ice so tightly packed around him that he could barely move. After 30 hours trapped in a frosty tomb the size of a large suitcase this behemoth Dane escaped certain death by molding his own shit into a fucking knife and using it to carve through a solid wall of ice, then crawled another three hours back to base camp like something out of The Revenant meets Everest meets goddamn Shawshank Redemption .
Oh, yeah, and he looks like this:
That’s his third wife there, Dagmar Cohn Freuchen-Gale, in a picture taken by Irving Penn. She was an heiress, fashion illustrator, and editor, among other things. When the Nazis occupied Denmark, Peter used to run up to random German soldiers and scream “I AM JEWISH” at them, while wearing the coat. God help them if they made an issue of it, because Peter never took shit from anyone.
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Thanks, self, for asking! I do know someone who used a turd knife.
First for those lucky enough to have gotten this far in life without encountering the term, allow me to define the term for you. A “turd knife”, aka a “poop knife” is something that some families have but my family decidedly did not have. It’s the knife that you use to chop up large turds into small turds so they go down the toilet easier.
On January 9th, 2018, Reddit user LearnedButt
[1]
posted a thread to /r/confessions titled “[Light] I was 22 years old when I learned that not every family has a poop knife.” In the story, the user tells about his family takes large poops, and had a knife dedicated for breaking up those poops when they wouldn’t flush. When he was 22, he took a large poop at a friend’s apartment and asked for a poop knife, leading to his embarrassment. Furthermore, he continued to have a poop knife in his house which his wife used, unknowingly, to open packages, thinking it was a utility knife. the post gained over 26,000 upvotes.
Source: Poop Knife /know your meme
I learned of turd knives about 15 years prior to it becoming an Internet sensation. I saw my first turd knife in Navy boot camp. It was the cutlass that the Navy Recruit CPO* used to lead the 915 division on its daily marches through the Great Lakes training facility in 2003. Its relevant utility was discovered after the festive breakfast they serve after you complete your Battle Stations night, just prior to graduation. All of the drill instructors warned us. For fuck’s sake, recruits, don’t eat so much as you fuck up the toilets. Plumbing in Ship 13”** is old as the U.S.S. Constitution .
Someone didn’t listen. Can’t say for sure who. An epic foodbaby poop was abandoned in a Ship 13 toilet on the male side after a toilet wouldn’t flush. Nobody claimed it, and nobody could figure out how to get rid of it. It stayed that way a few hours, I’m told. I found out about it when someone went crying to Chief and asked him what could possibly be done.
Chief grabbed the proud cutlass the RCPO was holding and took care of matters himself, thus introducing an astonished 90 or so Navy recruits to the concept of a turd knife. God only knows how many times he had to do the same in the past. He earned his gold fouled anchor that day, and probably many times before. And after.
I know every detail of this story. It’s etched in my mind because we didn’t have TV, we didn’t have Quora, and we didn’t have cell phones. All we had was a piece of delicious scandal and a cutlass we’ll never look at the same way. It was all anyone talked about until we finally parted ways.
If you were in Navy boot camp since that St. Patrick’s Day weekend, 2003, I can’t guarantee that the cutlass that belonged to your division didn’t have a similar secret history. For all I know it was the same freaking cutlass. You’re welcome.
*Just a regular Navy recruit with a fancy sounding nickname
**Just a regular Navy barracks with a fancy sounding nickname
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Holy crap! I had no idea people had a name for this solution to a shitty situation! And to think I thought I was the only person to use a wire coat hanger. Wish I would’ve come up with a name for though. I kinda like “turd or poop cutter” and “log splitter” would be my name submission. “Poop knife” doesn’t resonate with me. I definitely wouldn’t use / leave a real knife in the bathroom. The coat hanger is my weapon of choice primarily because it is readily available in most people’s homes and was accessible in my walk in closet when the dilemma arose but I do like the paint stick as well. I may purchase some next time I’m at Home Depot. Wow I’m so glad I’m not alone in my poop production and splitting solution.
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I don’t have a knife, but I have what my wife calls a “poopoo cutter”. We lived in older apartment buildings with older toilets, and I think they had smaller holes with low speed flush. Occasionally somebody would drop a big and long log that wouldn’t flush, so I (always I) would use the cutter to break it into smaller chunks.
What’s our poopoo cutter? It’s a wooden paint stirrer that I can buy for 35¢ at the home improvement store.
I put it right behind the toilet brush and…
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I was surprised to read that a “turd knife” was a novelty to people. I would consider a “turd knife” a basic bathroom item like a toilet plunger. What we had at home growing up wasn’t exactly a “turd knife,” it was a straightened coat hanger that had been looped in half with a sword handle. We had a “shit sword.” We could have used the word “poop,” “turd,” or “crap” to describe the sword; then we would have missed the opportunity at using poetic alliteration.
The “shit sword” was a great design; it was long enough to reach deep into the toilet, staying safely away from contamination. It was a simple design and easy to construction; as an adult, I manufactured one for my home with an equally nice handle as the one we had growing up. No rule says, a “shit sword” can not be esthetically pleasing and well crafted. Why not use a real sword? A real sword can not safely be stored in the bathroom or handled by a child unsupervised. A “shit sword” can be both safely stored and used. The child-safe wire loop design has no sharp edges or blades.
As a child, the great thing about the “sword” was chasing cousins and siblings with it. Yes, that is disgusting. That was the point of chasing t…
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I’ve been on this planet for a long time. And I have never heard of such a thing.
If someone has a poop so hard that it needs to be cut, then they need to reconsider what they are eating.
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